Time stays still when the obgyn told us about our failure in our IVF programme. Right after the words of some below standard number in my wife tests.. everything is fade away from my ears.. I can not understand the single words the physician trying hard to explain to us.. even worse, my vision starts to blur, and time stops in front of me…
The next thing I know, we were walking out of the room, while my wife is trying hard (and fail) to hold her tears, still at that time time stays still… My mind just go into a "blank" stage..
Few days from that day, I can remember how optimistic I was, as if everything is going to be happen the way I would prefer it would happen, that the program will successfully done, and we are going to have a little boy and girl (yes, we also already "predict" that). We even start to plan to recruit nanny and baby sitter for our children, and start thinking how we are going to arrange the house for such event… But predictions do miss, right?
Me and my wife have been married for almost 4 years now, and being the only son that carry the family name, gives me even more pressure to have descendant, but on top of that I do want to have kids.. I love kids.. especially my own flesh and blood..
I always said, we will accept what God will give us, it will be the best for us.. but as usual, it was easier said than done, when I have to deal with it, my conscious is not accepting.. I felt it unfair, why me? why not other people? what is wrong with me??
Rolling Stone's song "You can't always get what you want" have been played hundreds of times in my car… and I act as if I really understand the meaning of the song…. but when my wants is not fullfiled, I protests.. to whoever I can protest to, and the easy target is always God, because He did not fight back instantly.. luckily.
Although I am still not 100% accepting the fact when I write this blog, at least I began to understand the meaning of "you can't always get what you want"…
Still trying to make sense of the senseless things going on around me.. trying not to comparing and benchmarking myself to high, start appreciating people who were stand by us, supporting us, pray for us, and put their expectation on us…. and always remember you can't always get what you want!
Thank you Mr. Jagger!